Joke Page
3rd May 2008
When I say I'm Broke -- I'M BROKE !!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the
young man. 'If I could take a
couple of minutes
Of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners.'
'Go away!'
Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to
close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open.. 'Don't be
too hasty!'
He said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum
cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
From your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady
stepped back and said, 'Well
Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity This morning
15th April 2008
Sunday school
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned
into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back
once, while she was driving," he
announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan,
in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation
in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the
class, "If you saw a person lying on the road side, all wounded and bleeding,
what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark ?"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
worms."
HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can
anybody tell me what it is?"
one child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES & THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on
a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red
Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across
safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn
the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice,
he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite
Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his
turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant to of his
messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me
preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say? "The little boy
replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of
the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and,
after church, asked, " Gary , whatever made you do such a thing ?">Gary
answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to
whistle, And He just then did!"
TIME TO PRAY:
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir, "the
boy replied. "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor
asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
BEWARE OF TRASH:
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we
forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly
prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and
every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the
nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, "And all girls. "As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to
include this at the end,
my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add
the part about all
girls? "Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All
Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER:
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny wait
until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied. "Of course, you
do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."
That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows
how to cook."
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to
enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in
Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the
other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the
'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I
need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back
again?'.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee
was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for
'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know
why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too #@%*&#* stupid to own a computer!!!!!'